oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
