I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
