I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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