dude i'm inner monologue high
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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