remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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