I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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