apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
