Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
