WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
