shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
