normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I AM VODKA MAN
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
