Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Alive.
So much puke
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
