god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
