So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
