Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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