Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
