Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
