Ambien. No doubt about it.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
