Even the bartender felt bad for me
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
