Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
