i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
