I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
