My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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