as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize