I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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