What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
