Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
