So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
