I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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