I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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