hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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