I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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