no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
