remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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