Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
