Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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