FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
