I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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