And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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