No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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