There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
True strength comes from lack of pants
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
