we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
