for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
