He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
