Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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