Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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