i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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