I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
