i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
