is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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