how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
