I bet he comes in French.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
