stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you bring me the toilet please
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
